XXV…

I’m good at carrying things. (Well, that may be the most mundane start to a blog ever… “I’m good at carrying things, k thanks bye!”) I’m good at carrying things and over the last couple of weeks I’ve been increasingly aware of how often and how much I carry. I traipse from office to classroom all the live long day, carrying my laptop, planner, resources, exercise books, keys… will to live… All precariously balanced in my arms. When I pick up my nephew from nursery I’ve become practiced at carrying Noah, his bag, his coat, his nursery folder, a banana, my bag, my keys. Even at Bootcamp I’ve become quite enthused about carrying various things (tyres… people) while running around. Quite a lot of my life is spent carrying, holding things together, making sure they don’t drop.

At the end of this week I turn 25 (Good grief, that’s like an actual age) and with one year drawing to a close and a bright, shiny, silvery quarter century year on the horizon, it has led me to reflect on the many fabulous things I’ve picked up and begun carrying in my 24th year, but also the few things I’ve dropped and lost.

I’ve picked up: A nephew (Noah brings SO much joy to my life, I love the bones of this wee boy!). A job I never asked for or expected (regardless of how tough I may be finding it, I’m employed, I’m paid and I’m doing something). A triathlon medal (a slightly unexpected but very welcome acquisition). New friends (with each passing year the addition of fabulous new people makes the tapestry of my life so much better). A publishing deal (everyday I have to remind myself that in less than a year there will be an actual book, that people will actually buy, actually written by me!).

I’ve lost: My mum’s wedding ring (that one still hurts). A job that was never actually mine to lose (again, that still hurts). Quite a bit of confidence (the afore mentioned job to blame). Friends (just as new people come in, there are those also who have become all too absent). 5 stone (to be fair, I don’t mind this one too much!).

While I list those things that I’ve lost, those painful things I’ve had to put down or had taken out of my hands, I think about the fact that I’m actually still trying, desperately hard, to hold on to them. Clutching on to the ghosts of them, if you will. And I realise, as the song goes (you know THAT song), I’ve got to let them go. Those things I’ve lost in year 24 must stay in year 24 and not be dragged, unwillingly, into my 25th year. If I don’t let them go, then I really won’t have enough hands to hold all the beautiful things ready to be picked up as I step into this brand new year, as good as I may well be at carrying things!

So this evening, I wonder what you’re carrying? Have you got lots in your hands, precariously balanced, spilling out of your arms? I wonder if there is something that maybe you’ve tucked right in your hand that you’re holding on to tight that needs to be put down now. Perhaps a memory of something or someone that doesn’t need to be carried and held on to anymore. It’s not forgotten, it’s not like it didn’t happen, it’s just that for you to be able to pick up something beautifully new, sometimes the old has to be put down.

This evening at the end of my year 24, I thank God who’s hand is big enough to cover, tender enough to hold, strong enough to protect and familiar enough to run to. Thank you Father that you’re holding things, so I can put a few down.

Lex xx

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