I had a bit of a pop at Kübler-Ross and her stages yesterday, but it seems today I get to expand on that thinking….
When I was writing my book, and researching the theories behind death and grieving, the “five stages” model of grief din;t sit well with me. It felt simplistic, it felt short sighted and it felt like it didn’t properly reflect the reality I was living. Which is why, while I was doing that work, I developed my own model of grief.
So, in my theory, there isn’t stages. There is simply before a death and after a death. After the death of someone we love, grief becomes a part of our life and will stay there for the rest of our lives. Encircling that arrow of your life’s trajectory are grieving behaviours; these may include Kübler-Ross’ traditional stages, but may also include myriad other thoughts and feelings. These grieving behaviours are cyclical, inasmuch as sometimes they are very big and noticeable and sometimes they aren’t. But they are always there.
Just as the sea always waves, sometimes they are rough and very apparent and sometimes you can barely notice them troubling the surface of the water.
That is my theory about grief and its “stages”.
So I am after the death, and at the moment some of my grieving behaviours are more noticeable- because I’m writing about them everyday. But calm seas will come again soon.