Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, well apart from Lily… cos she does whatever the hell she wants .
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
Because that’s where they’ve always been hung and if you have a fireplace, why not?!
The child (is 26 a child?) was nestled all snug in her bed,
While visions of Boxsets danced in her head.
And Gill and Colin tucked up in pajama trews,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s snooze.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Was it next door’s cat again?
Oh no, that’s right in the summer he went to Kitty heaven.
The moon on the breast (smirk) of the snowless ground
Was a bit too bright and annoying, rude moon!
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.
With a little old driver, pulling a festive trunk,
I knew in a moment I must be very drunk.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
We don’t have a porch, nor a garden wall.
So they tried to land and had a great fall.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
I thought it could have been a birdy,
Like when they drop bread down the chimney.
But in came Santa in read head to foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot (mucky pup).
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
But stopped at the mince pies to have a snack
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
He had a great big bushy beard,
This was all getting a bit weird.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
I told him the house was a no smoking,
I really did mean it, no I wasn’t joking.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, cos fat people are funny.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Made me feel a bit uncomfortable and I asked him not to wink at me.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, and started to twerk.
And pushing his finger inside of his nose,
He gave it a pick, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a cry,
Not concerned that deer really don’t fly,
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”