Now I’ve blogged about fear before, about my many phobias and anxieties and what I believe about them. Much of that blog is still true, sadly, so if you’re interested in reading what I really think about fear at length then head on over there.
But I just want to say a few quick things about what scares me in the context of now. What scares me? September.
This is the fourth year running that September has scared me more than I thought possible. For the fourth year running I have been in the less than favourable position of job hunting. Now unlike so many people around the country I haven’t been constantly job hunting, I’ve been lucky enough to be in constant employment, but have found myself in fixed term contracts that end of the academic year. Meaning that every March the cold fingers of fear start to grip my heart and mind as the Easter holidays approach (too slowly and far too fast at the same time) and September looms on the horizon.
September means I lose sleep (like last night). September means spending every spare minute checking every job site I know. September means a constant ball of worry in the pit of my stomach. September means spending ages agonising over applications. September means having dreams, plans and fears about what the future will bring. September means having to always have an answer ready for when well meaning people ask the dreaded question. September means panicking, all the time.
September scares me and will do for the foreseeable future until I find some firm plans.
If you know someone in the same position as me, let me give you a tip, nay a plea… If they don’t come skipping up to you yelling gleefully to all and sundry that they have a job, maybe don’t ask them every time you see them. I know you care, but it becomes a really painful, embarrassing question that you can come to resent somewhat.
I’m scared, wake me up when Septmeber ends… When I’ll hopefully have a job and a plan.